Dress to Impress: Eid Machismo Tips

So it’s Eid. And the string of family visits is endless. I endure all the “3a2belak”, “nefra7 mennak”, “wayn bint el 7aleil” and “I have the perfect woman for you. Fresh from secondary school” comments with a mere nod of the head, smile on the face and the usual “I’m still young”, “I haven’t found the right person yet”, “I am following my uncles footsteps and will marry when I’m 35” replies. Ever so eloquently, seeking approval between each response from my father sitting nervously at the edge of his standard couch, hoping I won’t disappoint him with one of my “western” ideals responses in front of his sisters and brothers; those very same brothers and sisters who boast to their brother, my father, about what new cusswords their grandchildren are learning to call them with. All this is customary routine, regardless of any religious holiday or family event. The challenge is when it’s out of the family circle.

And so, again, it’s Eid and after the relatives come the ever-dwindling list of family friends. This will prove more challenging than relatives because now the image is crucial. The preparations start with choosing what to wear. It has to be something that, if it doesn’t convery my real age, should preferably make me look older. Because, as wise straight Arab men from Abdel Nasser era would say, “the older you look, the wiser”. How to accomplish this task? You start with the size: select something that is at least 2 size bigger than your size. Wearing an XS size to show off your biceps would gain you a “take off your little sister’s tank top and dress like men do” comment. You think: “but see, muscles = manhood!” and he think: “this tightness makes you look younger and effeminate”. So, my two-cent worth of advice, skip le drama and abide to the above rule. And the rest which will shortly follow.

After deciding to choose the desired size (usually hidden in the lost corners of your closet) make sure to pick a formal black shirt and matching formal pants. EXACTLY MATCHING. Suzy Menkes of NYT Fashion would gasp at the notion, but it is a life saver. Just don’t be creative. Think, “oh, Grandfather would’ve loved this”, take a deep breath and put them on. Let me not forget the shades of colours preferred for such occasions. They could range from pitch black to ash gray or from dark brown to khaki beige. White is obscene unless it is a traditional Emirati dishdash (jallabiyya), because white “make you look younger”. The shoes definitely black and whatever colour palette you decide to wear from the above dashing menu, make sure you’re wearing either white socks or socks that match either the EXACT shade of your shirt or the EXACT shade of your pants. Any other attempt to be creative would be shunned as “obscene and mbahdal”. Unless you’re wearing a suit, your shirtsleeves should be rolled up to show masculinity (thickness of arms) and adulthood (buttoning your sleeves with no tie and jacket is considered to be childish and out of kinder-garten uniform manuals). Shoes should most certainly be either coal-black or chocolate brown. Leather in most cases, but suede may be accepted if the texture miraculously matches your trousers.

Before you sprint out of your room spreading your legs 20 inches apart to simulate the feeling of having enlarged balls due to lack of sex and abundance of seafood stored in your groin, waiting impatiently to burst out, don’t forget to spray yourself with a classic perfume. Classic means spicy and heavy. Nothing subtle. Or else, your delicate swiff will be a tell-all.

Done? Now, walk out of the room and look for mom. Mom gives you the nod of approval to go and seek dad’s opinion. Dad looks you up and down. Still not uttering a word, you should know that he wants to see how snug the trousers are on your ass, so pretend as if you’re walking away and save him the embarrassment of asking you to give him a 360-degrees exhibit. As you walk away (slowly, of course) the approval will sprout out from his mouth sometimes so reluctantly, as if he was waiting to catch you with red-handed, but you’ve managed to out-smart him.

Stay tuned tomorrow to know all about carrying out a conversation with straight men 2.5 times your age that seem to have nothing better in life but to evaluate how capable you are to carry your father’s name through your blessed seed that will conceive an ardently waiting egg. Somewhere in a remote village.